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the year in review

this picture was like totally stolen from another site.

this picture was like totally stolen from another site.

Back from the great train set that is Europe, where the coffee is strong, men wear scarves and the pigs are nervous.

It’s at times like this, when a new year turtles into existence, that I feel the need to look at the year behind and see if it can be broken down into chunks so that I don’t do the same stupid things again.

The theme for 2009 was “always look before crossing the roodepoort”, and sadly seems to be dominated by work related issues. As any buddhist will tell you, “The greatest quality is seeking to serve others” - but the bit they leave out is mostly about the definition of a douchebag and what to do with people who step on ants.

What do they know, anyway.

So, without any further appalling metaphors:

2009, Jan 1: Arrive in Johannesburg, 11am. Drive from airport straight to edenvale with my wife, who looked closer to tears than when the cat got trapped in the electric fence and had to go to the vet to be resuscitated. Not the most scenic of trips.

2009, Jan 1, 16h00: wondering if this really was a good idea. Arrive at house, which is covered in a 2mm thick layer of grease from the previous tenants. Also, no doors lock.

2009, Jan 2: Start work.

2009, January - March: Keep waking up surprised to find myself in Johannesburg. Get annoyed with traffic a lot. Developing a sneaking suspicion that the company I have come up to work for is run by people with possibly terminal stupidity. Since I am meant to be one of the people running it, I ignore this and hope the paradox sorts itself out.

2009, April: Suspicion confirmed. Decide to leave in case the terminal stupidity is contagious. Tell the wife and children to watch for any signs of infection - desire to buy a caravan, love of faux-tuscan architecture, or me starting to talk like someone on heavy dental medication and no post standard 8 education. Start reading Marcel Proust and wishing I understood buddhist sayings. Realise I need to find inner peace.

2009, May - August: Almost lose teeth because of stress, and the inability not to be a smart ass in meetings by using multi-syllable words. Discover people employing me are actually stark raving mad as well as stupid, and should be in some sort of home for problematic sociopaths. Find new job. Realise at some point while driving through Sandton that I’m beginning to like the place, despite everything else.

2009, September - Dec: New job. Can now absolutely confirm that my general happiness is tied to my ability to enjoy work, and this doesn’t really bother me. Anyone that has discovered that magical nirvana of inner peace and acceptance regardless of outside influences can fuck off, I’m going to work like a bitch with people I like and die with as many toys as possible.

2010, January 1: In Rome, on holiday. Bunch of mad italians with fireworks the size of stun grenades.

2010, January 6: OK, so it’s not exactly a year but it’s close enough. Completely used to the highveld nuthatch and ego refinery. In fact, I quite like it. I know this, because business trips to Cape Town are filled with frustration at the dinky 2 lane freeways alternating with amazement that you only need 15 minutes to get anywhere. Also, have an overwhelming desire to see the mountain sold off and turned into residential housing with boomed off suburbs.

Posted 10 January 2010 † frogbiscuit § controlled accidents § joburg § really stupid people § traffic ‡ Comments (2) ° Tagged:

travel

going to italy. brb.

Posted 24 December 2009 † frogbiscuit § Uncategorized ‡ Comments (0) °

people who get social media completely miss the rest of the planet

Every now and again it dawns on me why the current fad-o-matic bothers me.

When the internet was still a fad, it bothered me. When linux and open source became half fads, it was a bit tiring. When Web 2.0 was the happening shit, when blogs were the next big thing,  when mashups were ultimate wow, it was annoying. Social Media has attracted the usual flock of run-along marketwats, and it’s really jolly boring watching humans flock to milk the next big thing.

Try spot one company that had a website designed in the last 3 years that has a blog (because the digital agency that designed the site insisted on it shortly before going bankrupt), keeps it up to date, and actually has anyone besides the 6 company employees that care read it (big interesting internet and software companies excluded)

Now we have company twitter accounts, bringing inane corporate bollocks that was previously left unread in corporate profiles to uncaring internet prosumers[1] 160 characters at a time.

Pity there isn’t any money in it. [2]

Don’t get me wrong, I love the networks. I love the internet. I live on and in it. Almost always. In a linux/*nix environment. Developing web 2.0 ajaxy rubbish. Writing on my blog. Tweeting and facebooking and dicking around. They are all cool uses of technology, each one building on the next, creating a really interesting world to live in and interact with. Hell, it’s paid my salary for my entire working life. When I was kid, getting two computers to talk to each other with a serial cable was exciting in a way that some people make movies about. Discovering BBS’s was a total nerdgasm. Somewhere along the line I realised 80% of the internet existed to talk about the internet.

Not much has changed. People are twittering about twitter. Just like blogging about blogs. Trawling a BBS with a 2400 baud modem looking for software to use when trawling a BBS with a 2400 baud modem. The ultimate digital narcissism.

We have a web marketing company contracted to my little work planet, and I noticed for the first time while trawling though reams of regurgitated google stats some specific mention of those stupid little social media badges on one our websites (like badges on a boy scout that show you can set a fire on fire). I have to ask the question - how many people click on them?

Nervous looks all round. Turns out not many at all. In fact, probably none if you remove employees from either company. A quick look of the accompanying facebook fan page confirms the same - we have no real fans. Just a handful of keen employees. And who the hell still uses del.icio.us?

But you have to have the badges, or it shows you just don’t get this social media thing. Social brand media reputation awareness is very important.

And it’s the current big thing, y’know?

Fact is, we aren’t interesting.

In fact, in what we do - we don’t really try and be interesting. We just try do what we do well. Interesting is for brightly coloured bugs.

If we made interesting widgets or cool tunes or funky shoes or great tasting drugs, a fan page would be great. It may even have real fans. People may be interested in the news we release via the handful of mass communication methods that we could potentially have.

The social media (well, currently. until the next big thing dawns) obsession just gives marketers another moving target to feel superior about “getting”, and in the process they complete ignore the fact that 90% of the initiatives sold at inflated prices to regular companies achieve nothing. Google still makes almost all of it’s money from search advertising, in case you’re wondering why they give you that handy analytics toolset for free.

For years when we worked with consumer web sites I sat and listened to meaningless stats about how X% more people are connecting using a mobile phones and how huge the market would be, based loosely on the theory that there were lots of mobile phones. We built mobile sites, and no-one used them. The iphone, probably the most browser capable phone, has shown that the only time a mobile browser works is when it works like a normal one, and if you have enough money to care about doing something on the internet then you probably have access to a normal browser.

But I digress.

The marketing obsession with the social media donkey, from a commercial point of view, is misplaced - at best flash in the pan and at worst completely ignored. Companies pretending to be social media cool and interesting remind me of when my mom pretended to like nirvana in the 90’s. Bring on the next fad.

[1] ick. seriously.

[2] The reg on twitter

Posted 02 October 2009 † frogbiscuit § intarwebs § penguins § things that separate us from monkeys ‡ Comments (2) ° Tagged: , ,

the airport blog, and how to twitter up your googles

I like traveling. It’s just like jogging, but not as shit and wearing lightweight shorts isn’t required.

You also get to see what the countries frequent airport inhabitants are reading in a bid to take over boardrooms and invent new buzzwords (apart from the usual Malcolm Gladwell marketing trendy-McNuggets)

Humans on this planet have managed to reach new lows, and have released a textbook on how to be trustworthy - “Trust Agents - using the web to build influence, improve reputation and earn trust“. [go see for yourself]

This book is your guide to a new form of power broker–web natives who trade in trust, reputation, and relationships using tools you may never even have heard of. You will learn what you need to look for in such an agent for your business or how to become one yourself. Trust Agents is your guide to the deep end of meaningful relationships on the web.

The deep end of meaningful relationships on the web? These have to be the same people that were selling Tupperware and Amway cleaning products in the 80’s.

If you need a book to tell you how to become popular and trustworthy online, you have issues.

Bless you all.

.

Posted 07 September 2009 † frogbiscuit § controlled accidents § things that separate us from monkeys ‡ Comments (2) ° Tagged: ,

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I have resigned!

That was quite the worst place I have ever worked. The question was posed to me (by someone who doesn’t work with me) “Would you go back for double the salary?”

I have given it some thought, and I wouldn’t go back for 5 times the salary. And a 6 bedroom house in Surrey. And a lifetime supply of jetpacks.

I would rather be teabagged by a rhino.

Lesson learned. If there is a controlling deity out there, thank you.

[update] if it wasn’t bizarre enough (you can’t make this shit up, seriously), it transpires the deranged crack addict CEO of said ex-company had also convinced himself that everyone was out to steal his magnificent ideas (because running a call centre and producing a series of increasingly retarded mobile product failures is very difficult to replicate).

A number of us (who also resigned) were followed by private investigators for a couple of months so he could catch us in the act of stealing his gold.

The worst they came up with was us having a cup of tea before work at a coffee shop.

Included in the report that came to light (along with pictures of us drinking tea) were gems like this:

this is what happens when the drugs go to your head

this is what happens when the drugs go to your head

Just because you’re delusional and paranoid, don’t mean they aint after you…

Posted 31 July 2009 † frogbiscuit § controlled accidents ‡ Comments (2) °

message from the front line

There will be a return to active content as soon as I have something to say.

Updates:

  • Traffic is better. It’s school holidays. Unfortunately, Johannesburg is one gigantic roadwork decorated with schwarma shops.
  • The highveld is rather cold in winter. My car has a “frost/snow” warning light, I have never seen it until now.
  • iPhones are pretty cool, but the battery life is crap
  • For proper entertainment, go and see a aircraft precision landing competition

more news to follow.

Posted 06 July 2009 † frogbiscuit § controlled accidents § penguins ‡ Comments (0) ° Tagged: , ,

things that are not amusing

1. OpenID - seriously. this has to be the most un-intuitive single sign-on system ever. I hadn’t used it in a while and needed to, and it took be about 20 minutes just to hunt down my username.

2. The Musica Megastore in Sandton City - my wife (I promise it wasn’t me) purchased Moulin Rouge (that kinda shouty Romeo & Juliet do hard orchestral rock in costumes movie) and brought it home. On playing, it turns out to be “The making of Moulin Rouge”, or disk 2.

Phone call to the store:

us: Hi, the Moulin Rouge DVD you guys sold me is disk 2.

them: Yeah, that happens all the time. it’s the supplier.

us: You knew about it?

them: yes.

us: You could have mentioned that when we were paying for it. Does this happen a lot?

them: uh, yeah. I guess.

us: I’m coming in so you can refund it.

them: Sure. we’ll give you a voucher.

us: do you have one in stock that isn’t disk 2?

them: no, sorry.

us: then the voucher isn’t really very useful, is it?

them: yeah, guess not.

Public tasering is a good idea, and should be immediately allowed in shopping malls.

Posted 01 May 2009 † frogbiscuit § Uncategorized ‡ Comments (0) °

the rise and fall of the salesman CEO

The salesman CEO: built the company from scratch, working on proposals till 3 in the morning. Walked out of the previous company because the wouldn’t listen, dammit. Driven, ambitious and now powered by [insert brand of german car here].

Often described as visionary, and expects all staff to meet the same level of dedication he showed in those halcyon days as a growing business. 

The flip side is becoming more apparent now as general recession and less permissive markets flip this style over like a lizard in a frying pan.

Given I have been in 2 owner managed businesses, I guess I get to call “pattern”. I may be completely wrong, but 2 out of 2 is 100% and statistics are just grand when they work in my favour.

Gap 1: I built this business, so my logic and reasoning is therefor infallible.

Otherwise known as “absence from the front line makes the reality gap larger”. Businesses are built on entrepreneurs spotting a gap, and figuring out how to address that gap while making a profit. As a business grows, the “spot the gap” function shifts, usually with a marketing or product group keeping an eye on what the market is doing and figuring out how to respond.

The success of a salesman CEO depends on the acceptance of this function - either staying sufficiently close to the front line, and away from their enormous executive desks and in-office lounge suites or staying far enough away from the front line that they don’t easily interfere in the product development cycle of a company. 

As long as the people hired and involved in the product development cycle are reasonably good at their job, all can be well. Only problem with that is gap 2.

Gap 2: I will employ my family

My uncle - a successful clothing manufacturer - used to have a theory about hiring or working with family. The theory was “I never do it, never ask me again”. I now see why. Running a business is all about tending towards unemotional decision making. Running a family is all about the squishy feel good emotional development we go through as we work out that we really can’t choose our family, but we get to live with them anyway.

Mixing the two doesn’t really seem to work. Even if the family member/wife/husband/brother/sister/aunt is hugely competent, they are untouchable. Centralised single person leadership means people are not going to be telling you the truth, but simply a sanitised feel-good version of the truth and mixing family members in to this creates a deadly false reality.

Gap 3: I am stressed and can therefore not be argued with

In any role, the moment the person or the position is declared sacrosanct the ability to react efficiently to change is all but destroyed. One of the greatest strengths of a multi-human environment is the ability to debate a point. Regardless of reaching a consensus or not, points of view are brought forward and a considered (hopefully) in a reasonably logical way. The leader (or leaders) can make decisions based on fact rather than emotion.

The salesman CEO, carrying the load of a companies success or failure, becomes untouchable. Under stress, arguments are not tolerated and the wisdom that built the company must not be questioned. In the words of someone[1], the person that built the company is often not the best person to run it.

Gap 4: Let’s pretend we’re listed and have shareholders that count

AKA the “I’m wearing the CEO hat for this meeting” play. The CEO will attempt to play the role of CEO while refering to shareholders as if they were an outside entity, or the board of directors/management committee as if they counted.

If you run the company as a dictator, then just be a dictator. Don’t annoy everyone by pretending to be just another gear in the machine.

This gap is hides a slightly more interesting gap: the inability to view company as an organism. The salesman CEO cannot always accept that they may have started something, but the moment you employ people they have ownership too. Ownership in a company mission statement or any other vapid culture document usually refers to the kind of ownership a CEO would be happy with: ownership of the problems. Accountability! they shout. We need a culture of ownership here! 

Translation: the problems are yours, the profit is mine. If you don’t like this, go start your own company.

The reality is that company employees, regardless of stock options and share entitlements, need a say in the running of the company. It doesn’t matter who started the organism. Like sea monkeys and bacterial infections, the chief protagonist provides the home and direction, and can toilet the operation at any point - but keeping it going successfully requires providing the right environment, not directing operations at a molecular level.

If you cant trust your sea monkeys to do what they were put in place to do, you hired wrong.

Gap 5: This is an ill thought out example from your narrow experience. you are a douche.

Yes. and the beauty of weblogs is that people can share narrow bands of experience with almost no consequence. So what about the engineer CEO? or the accountant CEO? or the plumber CEO?

My suspicion? they can see the limits of their own skills. Or maybe they can’t - maybe this has nothing to do with salesmen and everything to do with what makes a capable (or useless) leader.

[1] no idea. I do remember reading it somewhere, though.

Posted 15 March 2009 † frogbiscuit § things that separate us from monkeys § work ‡ Comments (3) ° Tagged: ,

what I did on my weekend

Posted 08 March 2009 † frogbiscuit § Uncategorized ‡ Comments (0) °

oracle at delphi

There is a lot about oracle I don’t know about. For example, other oracle admins out there are hippies and/or communists.

 

This explains why I kept finding crystals and incense around the production server.

Posted 27 February 2009 † frogbiscuit § oracle § penguins § things that separate us from monkeys ‡ Comments (0) ° Tagged: , , ,